


Maximum Effort

by thinkoutsidethebex



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 00:43:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20380858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkoutsidethebex/pseuds/thinkoutsidethebex
Summary: Deadpool breaks into Avengers Tower to steal some Stark tech. Obviously, he gets caught.





	Maximum Effort

**Author's Note:**

> This was for a writing challenge on tumblr and might be the stupidest thing I've ever written.  
For reference, Deadpool has 2 voices in his head. Bold is the logical one, italics, not so much.  
This is so dumb I hope it makes someone laugh.

**Ok, Wade. Here we go. Nice and easy.**

_We never do anything nice and easy._

**Are you seriously referencing Tina Turner when we’re in the middle of breaking and entering?**

_Are you seriously suggesting there’s a bad time to be referencing Tina Turner?_

“Can you guys, like, shut up for a second?”

**Apologies, Wade.**

_Yeah, sorry._

Occasionally, the voices in my head can be helpful. This wasn’t one of those times. I had successfully managed to get all the way to the top of Avengers Tower and now all that was standing between me and some sweet, sweet, untested Stark tech was one more air vent. Had I been inside the walls of this building for three days? Yes. Had I witnessed a near Civil War level argument over Hawkeye’s missing cereal that I definitely stole? Yes. Had I gone to the bathroom at least 10 times in my suit? ….Possibly. But I was in and I wasn’t leaving without my loot.

Up ahead, I could see the glow of the research and development lab. It was past midnight so most people should be in bed. It was now or never.

“Maximum effort,” I grunted as I removed the vent cover and dropped into the lab.

_Oh this must be what Heaven is like._

**Agreed. This is quite the impressive collection. **

Every table was covered in tech. On the left there was some kind of prototype shield that I had to assume was meant for Captain America. There were half built repulsors, a prosthetic arm and about a million other expensive looking toys.

“I wonder where he keeps the keys to the Quinjet,” I mused. Walking across the room, I pulled my backpack off my shoulders. I unzipped it and tossed out the half empty cereal box. “There’s your breakfast, Green Arrow. Now, daddy needs some goodies.”

_Oh boy, oh boy. Where should we start? _

**Logic would dictate we try and find some kind of log and extract-**

“Fuck logic. Shiny things go in the bag.”

I set to work carefully collecting the most expensive looking stuff I could find, which basically boiled down to scooping everything on the tables into my bag. This was Tony Stark’s house after all. There wasn’t anything in here that wouldn’t go for a solid price Bad Guy Craigslist so it didn’t matter what I got, just that I got stuff.

“I wonder if he has those butthole sprayers on the toilets in this place,” I said.

**Wade, this is hardly the time for that.**

_Yeah man. Big gun, 9 o’clock._

I turned and oh holy shitsnacks Screwball was right. This was the kind of gun that could make Cable believe in God. I picked it up and immediately thought of how much fun it would be to shoot Colossus in his big stupid face.

“Pew! Pew! Pew” I aimed around the room. “Holy mother fucking shit biscuits.”

“Language,” came a voice from behind me. I gasped.

“Could it be?” I asked out loud.

_Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod._

**Wade, this could be a problem.**

_Zip it, nerd!_

I turned around and sanding behind me in all his muscular super soldier glory was Steve Rogers. Captain god damn America in the flesh. On his own, Cap being there would have sent me into a fandom boner induced fantasy, but he wasn’t alone. He was flanked on either side by Tony Stark and Peter Parker. I was staring down the barrel of not one, but three of the Avengers.

“I’m positive I’ve had sex dreams that have started out just like this,” I said. Tony held back a smirk and walked into the room. He set down a small tablet that was lit up red with INTRUDER ALERT displayed on the screen.

“Thanks for the head’s up F.R.I.D.A.Y.,” he said. “Who are you and why are you touching my stuff?” He took another step forward but Steve put out his arm to stop him. His eyes flashed from the gun in my hands and back up to my face and I realized they thought I was a threat.

“Oh no!” I tried to explain. “I’m not here to kill anyone, I promise. I am such Stony trash I wouldn’t dream of it. You guys are adorable together by the way. Very Better Homes and Gardens.” All three of them looked confused.

“Ok,” Steve said cautiously. “Let’s start with who you are.”

“Deadpool,” I said confidently. I waited for them to recognize the name and NADA.

_They have no idea who we are! This is BULL SHIT!_

**Well Disney hasn’t owned Fox for too long so maybe they haven’t gotten a memo yet.**

_Can you break the fourth wall in a fan fiction? Cuz we just smashed the shit out of it._

“Right. Deadpool,” Steve continued. “What you’re holding there is an incredibly powerful weapon. I’m gonna need you to-“

“Go ahead and put that down before you hurt yourself discount Spider-Man,” Tony interrupted. Peter’s head snapped up and he took in my costume for the first time.

“Hey!” he yelled.

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery kid,” I stated, dropping the heavy gun on the table. The three Avengers in front of me flinched, and relaxed again when nothing happened.

“Ok. Now that we’re all very not dead, mind telling me what you’re doing in my house?” Tony asked.

“Fanning the flames of a ship war that will continue to rage long after the MCU has collapsed on itself and we’ve all been recast by washed up actors looking to rekindle their dying careers?” I offered. They only blinked.

“Mr. Stark, what is this guy’s deal?” Peter asked. He was a sweet angel baby and I decided right then and there that I would do anything to protect him.

_You hear that Disney?_

“Who knows kid,” Tony answered, rubbing his face. “One more time, Dipshit. Why are you stealing from me?” He was starting to look pissed and I had a very serious non-desire to be on the receiving end of a repulsor blast so I decided to go with the truth.

“Look, I’m sorry for breaking in. But there’s a huge thing going down between Disney and Sony right now and I thought if I sold enough of this stuff on eBay I could buy the rights for myself and keep the family together. #SaveSpidey.” I held up my hands and was met with blank stares.

“Ok, it’s too late for this. Lock him up and we’ll deal with him in the morning,” Tony said, turning to leave the room.

“No wait!” I yelled. “You can’t lock me up. I’ve been crawling around these walls for three days. If I don’t shower soon the B.O. coming off me will literally start to corrode my suit.” Shock spread over the faces and I covered my mouth.

_I think you said too much._

**I fear this won’t end well, Wade.**

_We need an exit strategy pronto, big dog._

“I’m sorry. Did you just say you’ve been in the walls here for three days?” The cinnamon roll formerly known as Peter Parker asked. I blanked, looking around me. This wasn’t going to end well and I needed a way out. On the table to my right, I found it.

“Well Angel, I didn’t NOT say that,” I replied.

“Angel?” the angel asked.

_Protect this boy at all costs._

Tony stepped in front of him, clearly having had enough.

“Ok, we’re done here. F.R.I.D.A.Y. lock down-“ I cut him off.

“No need, Iron Dad. Deadpool is OUT!” I broke into a run toward the nearest window. "LEEROOOOOOOOOY JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!” With a leap, I crashed through the window. The web shooters I’d snagged fit snugly on my wrists, as they were made for a child, but they got the job done. With a hearty _THWIP_, I swung myself safely from the tower. A voice called out behind me.

“Hey my web shooters!”

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

**It’s August, Wade.**

“Shut up.”


End file.
